Saturday, June 28, 2014

How to ride your bike and remain a dapper gentleman


Yeah, right; like we'd ever see a headline like that floating around the internet machine (a headline that's not pulled directly from The Onion, at least).

So how come no one tells guys what to wear to ride their bikes? Oh, they do; but it usually doesn't involve all this hand-wringing about looking "masculine" enough. (Maybe it's because those cycling shorts leave little question as to one's anatomy underneath? I dunno.)

Then why the heck did the Huffington Post find it necessary to instruct us ladies on what must be the absolute least important aspect of bike riding: whether we look feminine enough?
Our idea of bicycle attire has always been limited to T-shirts, shorts and sneakers. But alas, there's no reason to sacrifice our feminine style while taking a spin.
Yes, I know. The thought of having to wear—horror of horrors—a t-shirt has me collapsing onto my fainting couch.

The piece goes on to suggest a sundress for an "easy, breezy, beautiful ride"; for whom, I'm not sure. Because in my experience, sundresses are only easy and breezy when standing completely stationary and are indecent in nearly every other instance including straddling a frigging bike.

Then again, anyone who suggests (as the author does in this piece) to "wear white fearlessly," clearly cannot be trusted. Doesn't everyone know that for every white article of clothing, there is an equal and opposite blob of pasta sauce? The advice to swap wedges for heels was just as ludicrous. You mean to tell me I can trade heels for...more heels? Awesome.

You know what you should do "fearlessly"? Disregard idiotic gender policing disguised as fashion advice (because that's exactly what this is), and ride a bike for your own damn benefit, not someone else's. Now go!